2007-03-06 Sending The Illegals Home

A letter-writer to the Chicago Tribune, Leon Crews, said "Send all illegal immigrants home."

Why didn't I think of this sooner? Obviously I'm not listening to the right talk shows! I think I've figured out how this can work:

OK. Let's start with posters on telephone poles "All you illegals, please report to O'Hare by Friday." That should get rid of about 23 of 'em. Good start.

Next step: Let's have all our immigration officers stand on street corners in Houston, Chicago, LA and all the major cities and stop people on street corners and check their paperwork. That should net a few thousand more lawbreakers. We can just put signs up at the borders "be back on Tuesday" and hope nobody new crosses illegally.

Next: Let's have all our police go house to house in the barrios and in the Indian, Pakistani, and Polish neighborhoods. Knock off this project in a weekend, right? Should net a few thousand more miscreants. Cart 'em right off in paddy wagons. Leave their ill gotten possessions behind. The police force can spare them because there's nothing for them to do on Sunday mornings.

Finally: Bring back all the troops from Iraq, Afghanistan, and other posts overseas, and have them go door to door, stopping in all homes including yours Mr. Crews, and ask you to produce birth certificates or other documents proving your citizenship. That should get most of the rest of them pesky dishwashers, cab drivers, roofers, and computer programmers outta here. Hunting Bin Laden can wait. Let's keep our priorities straight.

Now about the bill. Coupla million airfares or bus tickets? Chump change. After we pay for the war and Katrina we should have no problem covering these expenses. Who will feed and clothe the families they leave behind because there's no way we're paying their transportation too? The deportees can send them money from their new jobs when they get back where they came from. Payroll and overtime for all those government employees to root out the evil doers? Sell more Savings Bonds.

Surely we can find millions of qualified native born unemployed who can pour concrete, take care of our children, butcher our meat, harvest our food, dry clean our clothes, and design our websites. We can all pick up the slack by just working another 2-3 hours a day. You'll pitch in won't you, Mr. Crews?

Remember: No rules in the bedroom or the kitchen. - Meathead

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