2008-08-19 How Will Chicago Top Beijing? Easy!

This Meathead silliness ran on the Chicago Tribune's op-ed page on 8/19/08

Are you watching the Olympics? Did you see those opening ceremonies? How will Chicago top that in 2016? Here are some ideas for how we might show the world what Chicago culture is all about:

The Chinese began the opening ceremonies with 2008 men beating traditional rhythms on drums. We can have 2016 Bucket Boys (right).

The Chinese had dancers in glowing costumes. We can have politicians in orange jump suits.

They had a light show and fireworks. We can have little white Christmas tree lights draped over the entire stadium and leave them up all year.

They did a giant calligraphic painting. We can use spray paint.

For the Olympic symbol: five interlocking pinkie rings.

Mascot? A white elephant with a crown that looks like Soldier Field.

And for the grand finale, an outfit punk can light the Olympic cauldron with a Molotov cocktail.

But the Olympics is much more than the opening ceremonies. How about some new events that will give the hosts an advantage?

Deep dish discus.

Relay races with plain white envelope hand-offs.

Concrete overshoe swimming.

Synchronized aldermen.

Vaulting the homeless.

Nepotism racketball.

Automatic weapons marksmanship.

Badminton with real pigeons.

Budget wrestling.

Blame volleyball.

Alley stickball.

Dumpster diving.

Fencing County property.

Snow throwing.

Indoor tanning.

Outdoor cigarette smoking.

Lincoln Avenue bicycle slalom and one handed cell phone driving. Combined.

Rat races.

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