2009-01-22 Obama's To Do List
This silliness appeared on the Chicago Tribune's editiorial pages on 1/22/2009, two days after Obama's inauguration.
I am filled with optimism and dread for the Obama presidency. All our hopes and expectations riding on those skinny shoulders! How can he accomplish it all? How can he help but disappoint? Think of all that we want him to do. The list is impossible.
First, there are the high priority Big Things he has already promised to do: He needs to get the country's checkbook balanced, catch Bin Laden and turn the lights out on those ugly wars, patch things up with our friends and neighbors, clean out the basement in Guantanamo, inflate the tires and squeeze more mileage out of Detroit, chill down global warming, get those schools left behind onto the bus, make sure we all can afford to see a doctor, and for extra credit, create a college football playoff.
Then there are the Other Things. We all have our lists. Here's mine:
- Install self-melting sidewalks.
- Ban leaf blowers, subscription cards that fall out of magazines, chain email, car alarms, artificial turf, donut sized spare tires, and the phrase "no offense but".
- Ban cell phones on trains, in cars, restaurants, theatres, and elevators.
- Come over and help me with my 1040.
- Teach PC and Mac people to get along.
- Require bloggers to go to journalism school.
- Help me remember my wife's birthday.
- Dump the electoral college.
- Require that you have your cash ready when he gets to the front of the line.
- Set the minimum sentence for failing to clean up after your dog at one month picking up poop in Lincoln Park.
- Roll back prices on popcorn in movie theatres.
- Make websites prominently display "contact us" info.
- Can the spam.
- Help Joe the Plumber get a license.
- Put all wine in easy open containers.
- Bring the 2016 Olympics to Chicago, but make Mayor Daley personally guarantee any losses.
- Clean up rap videos.
- Ban all forms of torture except for the guys who write political ads.
Remember, no rules in the bedroom or the kitchen.
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