The following dialogue is from the excellent movie "My Cousin Vinny", with Joe Pesci playing the role of Vinny Gambini, attourney for the defense.
Vinny: Is it possible the two defendants went into the Sac-O-Suds, picked 22 specific items off of the shelf, had the clerk take the money, make change, then leave. Then two different men drive up... Tipton: Shakes his head no. Vinny: Don't shake your head. I'm not finished yet. Wait until you hear the whole thing you can understand what it is that I'm askin'. [Pause] Then, two different men drive up in a similar looking car, go into the store, shoot the clerk, rob him, then leave? Tipton: No. They didn't have enough time. Vinny: Why not? How long was they in the store for? Tipton: Five minutes. Gambini: Five minutes? How do you know? Did you look at your watch? Tipton: No. Vinny: Oh, oh, oh, you testified earlier that you saw the boys go into the store, and you had just begun to cook your breakfast and you were just getting ready to eat when you heard the shot. Tipton: That's right. Vinny: So obviously it takes you five minutes to cook your breakfast. Tipton: That's right. Vinny: That's right, so you knew that. You remember what you had? Tipton: Eggs and grits. Vinny: Eggs and grits. I like grits, too. How do you cook your grits? Do you like them regular, creamy or al dente? Tipton: Just regular I guess. Vinny: Regular. Instant grits? Tipton: No self respectin' Southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits. Vinny: So, Mr. Tipton, how could it take you 5 minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit eating world 20 minutes? Tipton: I don't know, I'm a fast cook I guess. Vinny: I'm sorry I was all the way over here I couldn't hear you. Did you say you were a fast cook, that's it? Tipton: Yeah. Vinny: Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than anywhere else on the face of the earth? Tipton: I don't know. Vinny: Well, I guess the laws of physics cease to exist on top of your stove. Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?
10 Commandments of Grits
Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors Grits
Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and Cheese as toppings for thy Grits
Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
Thou shalt not put sugar on thy Grits either
Bron's Kiss My Cheesy Grits
In the south, where corn is king, grits are it. A grainy corn porridge they are served with breakfast, lunch, and supper. And they make an excellent accompaniment for ribs. Especially cheese grits.
Grits are made by coarsely grinding dried corn kernels, and they are the same as Italian polenta. Yellow grits come from the whole kernel, and white grits come from kernels that have been treated with baking soda to remove the hulls. In the old days most towns had a water or wind driven grist mill, and people brought their grain for grinding, often paying the miller with part of the finished product. Purists prefer stone ground, and never buy instant grits. Grits contain a small amount of oil so they should be used when fresh or stored in the refrigerator or else they can go rancid.
Bronson "Bron" Smith is a South Carolina Barbecue Association (SCBA) Master Judge and as gracious a Southern Gentleman as ever bred. When I first visited Columbia in an effort to taste my way across the state he said "jump in my car" and squired me around for days showing me the nooks and crannies and the best eats. One morning we had an especially good batch of grits he told me how to make them "the right way" with a secret ingredient that is not on the package instructions or any cookbooks: Baking soda.
Bron like his grits best with eggs and country ham, but often tops them with cheese and serves them with barbecue.
Grits set up like concrete in a hurry, so do them at the last minute. If they get dry and thick, whisk in some milk and heat in the microwave.
Ingredients
2 cups liquid *
1/4 teaspoon baking soda (this is the secret ingredient, according to Bron)
1/2 cup regular grits or polenta, not instant grits
2 tablespoons of butter
Salt and pepper to taste
* About the liquid. Usually water is used, but you can substitute stock, milk, cream, or a combination for some of the water. Try 1 cup water and 1 cup milk.
Great option, Cheesey Grits: Add 2 ounces (by weight) of shredded cheddar cheese to the ingredients list. After you add the butter in step 2, pinch about 1/3 of the cheese and add it, stirring it in until it is melted. Then add the next batch, stir, and then the rest and stir.
Option. You can season it with 1 tablespoon of herbs such as thyme, chives, or green onions if you wish. I am especially fond of rosemary in my grits. If you are adding herbs, add them after the cheese, just before you serve.
Do this 1) Pour the liquid into a 2 quart saucepan and add the baking soda. I know this is a huge pan, but it can foam up with the baking soda so this will kepp it from foaming over. Be sure to use a large saucepan and be very careful that you don't use more baking soda than the recipe calls for or it will boil over. Bring to a boil and keep an eye on it. The moment it boils, pour in the grits slowly so each grain gets "shocked" to prevent clumping. As soon as it comes to a boil again, turn the temp down to the lowest possible temp and stir down the foam. When it is no longer foaming, put on the lid. Let it sit for 20 minutes, stirring or whisking every 5 minutes or so to keep it from clumping or sticking to the bottom. It should get thick, but not gummy.
2) Add the butter and stir it in until it melts and is evenly distributed. If you are going to add cheese, now's the time. If it is too thick, and it probably will be, add an ounce of liquid and stir. Add more liquid if necessary. If it is too wet, leave the lid off for a few minutes. When it has thickened but is still a little runny, season it to taste with salt, pepper, and any herbs you wish. Take it off on the runny side. It will thicken by the time you serve it.
3) Remove from heat and serve. At tableside top with a pat of butter if you wish. Or bacon, grilled shrimp, cream, more cheese, sausage, molasses, maple syrup, catsup, gravy, garlic, thyme or Bron's favorite, spring onions. Serve with butter, salt, pepper, and cream on the side in case your guests want to doctor it.
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